kid's books i hate

Love You Forever

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:51:25 -0400

There is actually a review on Amazon with the subject “I think this book scarred me for life as a child.”

It’s a story about how a boy grows up and eventually has to get a restraining order against his mother because she breaks into his house and tries to cradle him while he’s sleeping.

Sad.

Good Night New Jersey

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:40:07 -0400

Good Night New Jersey:

I know, I’ve already talked about this series. But this one is about New Jersey! And it still uses comic sans. And it is so awkwardly written. And why are we teaching our kids about New Jersey anyway?

Good Night, Gorilla

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:35:56 -0400

Good Night, Gorilla:

Look, I just don’t know what to do with books without words. I get all awkward. Also zoos are fucked up and I’m not going to tell kids they aren’t.

On the Day You Were Born

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 00:42:43 -0400

On the Day You Were Born:

Giving children an inflated sense of self-worth since 1991.

If You Give a Cat a Cupcake

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 01:24:00 -0500

If You Give a Cat a Cupcake:

I love If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I even love If You Give a Moose a Muffin. (This may be a surprise, but I love a lot of children’s books.) Sometimes I think it’s great to just keep on going with franchises for as long as you possibly can. For example, Bring It On 3 is brilliant, and Jessica Alba is totally hot in Spy Kids 4. But If You Give a Cat a Cupcake just makes me sad. And I love cats!

Hot Rod Hamster

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 01:12:15 -0500

Hot Rod Hamster:

The whole concept of this book is that everyone thinks it’s ridiculous for a hamster to drive a hot rod, but totally normal for various other animals. I am totally opposed to discrimination against hamsters, but I still don’t get it. Also there is just too much rhyming.

Ding Dong, Elmo's Here!

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 01:08:12 -0500

Ding Dong, Elmo's Here!:

Sometimes when I’m trying to sleep I just hear this fake doorbell sound ringing in my brain.

Beauty and the Beast

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 02:28:39 -0500

Beauty and the Beast:

Maybe this is cheating because it’s a book based on a movie based on a fairy tale, and the problems I have with the book I also have with the movie and the fairy tale, but I haven’t seen the movie since I was probably 8 or 9. I did own it on VHS, along with Aladdin, though in general I wasn’t a huge Disney fan. I did watch Aladdin a lot because Princess Jasmine was hot and badass and I dreamt of being a princess who whined about being a princess and had a pet tiger. Beauty and the Beast was just ok. It was cool that Belle liked reading a lot, though, because I was/am a big nerd and thought books were the coolest. (Not as cool as pet tigers, but pretty cool.)

I revisited the story via this book and ok guys, wow. Like I know the whole Disney Is Sexist thing is pretty worn out at this point, much like Barbie Is Too Thin. We all know but everyone keeps buying it anyway. But this one is worse, right? It’s not just me?

Because, really, if some dude HOLDS YOU PRISONER it doesn’t suddenly make him a nice guy because he decides to let you out for a bit to visit your dying father as long as he can still keep an eye on you. That’s not love, it’s Stockholm Syndrome, and I think it’s actually a pretty serious issue that little girls love this shit. I’m not saying every kid’s book and movie has to be like, Here’s a Model of a Healthy Adult Relationship, but does it have to be about marrying an abuser?

That got too serious. I mean at least she likes books.

Superman Classic: Darkseid's Revenge

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 02:16:20 -0500

Superman Classic: Darkseid's Revenge:

In this story, both Batman and Wonder Woman show up to help out. Batman saves the day. How? He borrows Wonder Woman’s lasso. Why can’t Wonder Woman use her own damn lasso to save the day? So basically what we learn is, men are good at kicking ass and being heroes, and women are good at…remembering to bring stuff. Cool.

Red

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 16:18:17 -0500

Red:

Surprisingly much better than “Blue.” No bad clip art, more complex story. Well, ok, it’s not a story exactly, but there are sentences. There are even fire truck sounds! Pretty fun. However, I do not think “creep” is the correct verb for what a ladybug does. Also it’s in a weird font. Not every board book has to be in a “fun” (ugly) font. It’s not even something predictable like comic sans. It’s weird. I don’t know.

Red Train

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:29:17 -0500

Red Train:

Here is an excerpt of this book:

“Red train, bunny train, choo choo one

Orange train, lion train, chugga chugga two.”

Next time I am stoned I am going to launch my children’s book writing career. I think it will go great.

Richard Scarry's Cars and Trucks and Things That Go

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:23:12 -0500

Richard Scarry's Cars and Trucks and Things That Go:

I don’t hate Richard Scarry, but this book has SO MANY WORDS IN IT. It just goes on forever and there is no point. Yes there are lots of different animals in wacky cars. Then the kid has to find this thing—a bug? maybe? on every page and it just takes FOREVER. My trick is that I very carefully try to turn 5 pages at once. It goes faster and somehow doesn’t affect the plot.

Blue

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:38:59 -0500

Blue:

Ok so some things are blue. Like there are blue bouquets and blue boots. I get it. This is new and exciting news to very small children. But you still can’t illustrate a children’s book with free clip art. I would be so embarrassed to have my name attached to this.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:30:42 -0500

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone:

The beginning is a bad rip-off of a Roald Dahl book and it’s all downhill from there.

I hear there are movies and stuff?

Pinkalicious

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:23:00 -0500

Pinkalicious:

A book about how green vegetables are gross. Kale is my favorite food (and when I was a kid my mom made me eat it like 5 times a week) so I take it personally.

The Fat Cat Sat on the Mat

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:20:16 -0500

The Fat Cat Sat on the Mat:

This is a book about words that rhyme with “at.” And a witch. That’s all it fucking is. There is a cat and a mat and a rat and I don’t even remember what else. It’s all stupid. The most annoying book ever.

(Yes it’s probably good for kids who are just learning how to read. They can read it silently if they want. I never want to read this shit out loud again.)

It's Not Easy Being Big

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:15:00 -0500

It's Not Easy Being Big :

The beginning and end of this book is ok. It’s basically about how there are good things and bad things about being big and small—most kids can probably relate to it.

But somewhere in the middle, it totally just loses its purpose. There are balls, and they are on a wall, which just makes me think “balls to the wall” every time. It doesn’t relate to the main plot at all! It’s like the author had to write a certain number of words so they just came up with random sentences to kill time. At least I can entertain myself by saying “balls to the wall” instead of “balls on the wall” when I read it out loud to toddlers. I need to because I read this book A LOT.

You know why? It has Elmo in it.

So, I really like whiskey, and whenever a drink has whiskey in it, I will order it, basically. And if I am at a bar without a cocktail menu I will order whiskey and ginger, or just plain old whiskey, and I put it in my hot toddies when I am sick, or cold, or want a hot toddy. I am actually drunk on vodka right now but that’s pretty unusual. I like whiskey in every context. Even if it’s bad whiskey. Even if it’s mixed with gross things. Whatever.

Elmo is like whiskey for toddlers. They will take him in anything. They don’t care. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a shitty cocktail, or shitty well elmo neat. They just love that shit. I have read this book like 600 times.

Not every book about Elmo is bad—this one is cute, and the rhyme scheme actually works! But Elmo books don’t HAVE to be good, people will buy them anyway.

Good Night Oregon

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:26:00 -0500

Good Night Oregon:

This whole series is in comic sans. Why?

I’ve read a few in this series—Israel, New York, California. The illustrations are hideous, which I guess matches the comic sans font. I am pretty sure they are made in a factory full of people copying and pasting sentences from Wikipedia about various places, making them seem more childish, and adding exclamation points.

B is for Beach: An Alphabet Book

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:27:00 -0500

B is for Beach: An Alphabet Book:

First of all, Dr. Carolan, you wrote a terrible children’s book, no one cares that you have a Ph.D. What’s it in? Pretty sure it’s not English Literature.

This is another one where the meter is just awful. The rhymes are so awkward. How does this stuff get published?

Also there are a bunch of cats and dogs in the illustrations, playing on the beach and surfing and stuff. And all the girl cats and dogs have HUGE boobs and tiny bikinis. Seriously, GIGANTIC boobs. First of all, cats and dogs don’t really have any boobs. And it’s not like I think boobs are inappropriate for kids—many kids eat meals from them—but why is there so much emphasis on boobs in this book? It makes my cats feel inadequate.

I Can Do It Too!

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:22:00 -0500

I Can Do It Too!:

The meter in this book is fucking awful. It’s painful to read out loud. Children’s book authors should at least be required to take high school English.

Also no one cares that you can spill juice all over the table.