Love You Forever -
There is actually a review on Amazon with the subject “I think this book scarred me for life as a child.”
It’s a story about how a boy grows up and eventually has to get a restraining order against his mother because she breaks into his house and tries to cradle him while he’s sleeping.
Good Night New Jersey -
I know, I’ve already talked about this series. But this one is about New Jersey! And it still uses comic sans. And it is so awkwardly written. And why are we teaching our kids about New Jersey anyway?
Good Night, Gorilla -
Look, I just don’t know what to do with books without words. I get all awkward. Also zoos are fucked up and I’m not going to tell kids they aren’t.
On the Day You Were Born -
Giving children an inflated sense of self-worth since 1991.
If You Give a Cat a Cupcake -
I love If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I even love If You Give a Moose a Muffin. (This may be a surprise, but I love a lot of children’s books.) Sometimes I think it’s great to just keep on going with franchises for as long as you possibly can. For example, Bring It On 3 is brilliant, and Jessica Alba is totally hot in Spy Kids 4. But If You Give a Cat a Cupcake just makes me sad. And I love cats!
Hot Rod Hamster -
The whole concept of this book is that everyone thinks it’s ridiculous for a hamster to drive a hot rod, but totally normal for various other animals. I am totally opposed to discrimination against hamsters, but I still don’t get it. Also there is just too much rhyming.
Ding Dong, Elmo's Here! -
Sometimes when I’m trying to sleep I just hear this fake doorbell sound ringing in my brain.
Beauty and the Beast -
Maybe this is cheating because it’s a book based on a movie based on a fairy tale, and the problems I have with the book I also have with the movie and the fairy tale, but I haven’t seen the movie since I was probably 8 or 9. I did own it on VHS, along with Aladdin, though in general I wasn’t a huge Disney fan. I did watch Aladdin a lot because Princess Jasmine was hot and badass and I dreamt of being a princess who whined about being a princess and had a pet tiger. Beauty and the Beast was just ok. It was cool that Belle liked reading a lot, though, because I was/am a big nerd and thought books were the coolest. (Not as cool as pet tigers, but pretty cool.)
I revisited the story via this book and ok guys, wow. Like I know the whole Disney Is Sexist thing is pretty worn out at this point, much like Barbie Is Too Thin. We all know but everyone keeps buying it anyway. But this one is worse, right? It’s not just me?
Because, really, if some dude HOLDS YOU PRISONER it doesn’t suddenly make him a nice guy because he decides to let you out for a bit to visit your dying father as long as he can still keep an eye on you. That’s not love, it’s Stockholm Syndrome, and I think it’s actually a pretty serious issue that little girls love this shit. I’m not saying every kid’s book and movie has to be like, Here’s a Model of a Healthy Adult Relationship, but does it have to be about marrying an abuser?
That got too serious. I mean at least she likes books.
Superman Classic: Darkseid's Revenge -
In this story, both Batman and Wonder Woman show up to help out. Batman saves the day. How? He borrows Wonder Woman’s lasso. Why can’t Wonder Woman use her own damn lasso to save the day? So basically what we learn is, men are good at kicking ass and being heroes, and women are good at…remembering to bring stuff. Cool.
Surprisingly much better than “Blue.” No bad clip art, more complex story. Well, ok, it’s not a story exactly, but there are sentences. There are even fire truck sounds! Pretty fun. However, I do not think “creep” is the correct verb for what a ladybug does. Also it’s in a weird font. Not every board book has to be in a “fun” (ugly) font. It’s not even something predictable like comic sans. It’s weird. I don’t know.