Love You Forever →
There is actually a review on Amazon with the subject “I think this book scarred me for life as a child.” It’s a story about how a boy grows up and eventually has to get a restraining order against his mother because she breaks into his house and tries to cradle him while he’s sleeping. Sad.
Good Night New Jersey →
I know, I’ve already talked about this series. But this one is about New Jersey! And it still uses comic sans. And it is so awkwardly written. And why are we teaching our kids about New Jersey anyway?
Good Night, Gorilla →
Look, I just don’t know what to do with books without words. I get all awkward. Also zoos are fucked up and I’m not going to tell kids they aren’t.
On the Day You Were Born →
Giving children an inflated sense of self-worth since 1991.
If You Give a Cat a Cupcake →
I love If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I even love If You Give a Moose a Muffin. (This may be a surprise, but I love a lot of children’s books.) Sometimes I think it’s great to just keep on going with franchises for as long as you possibly can. For example, Bring It On 3 is brilliant, and Jessica Alba is totally hot in Spy Kids 4. But If You Give a Cat a Cupcake just makes me sad. And...
Hot Rod Hamster →
The whole concept of this book is that everyone thinks it’s ridiculous for a hamster to drive a hot rod, but totally normal for various other animals. I am totally opposed to discrimination against hamsters, but I still don’t get it. Also there is just too much rhyming.
Ding Dong, Elmo's Here! →
Sometimes when I’m trying to sleep I just hear this fake doorbell sound ringing in my brain.
Beauty and the Beast →
Maybe this is cheating because it’s a book based on a movie based on a fairy tale, and the problems I have with the book I also have with the movie and the fairy tale, but I haven’t seen the movie since I was probably 8 or 9. I did own it on VHS, along with Aladdin, though in general I wasn’t a huge Disney fan. I did watch Aladdin a lot because Princess Jasmine was hot and...
Superman Classic: Darkseid's Revenge →
In this story, both Batman and Wonder Woman show up to help out. Batman saves the day. How? He borrows Wonder Woman’s lasso. Why can’t Wonder Woman use her own damn lasso to save the day? So basically what we learn is, men are good at kicking ass and being heroes, and women are good at…remembering to bring stuff. Cool.
Surprisingly much better than “Blue.” No bad clip art, more complex story. Well, ok, it’s not a story exactly, but there are sentences. There are even fire truck sounds! Pretty fun. However, I do not think “creep” is the correct verb for what a ladybug does. Also it’s in a weird font. Not every board book has to be in a “fun” (ugly) font....
Red Train →
Here is an excerpt of this book: “Red train, bunny train, choo choo one Orange train, lion train, chugga chugga two.” Next time I am stoned I am going to launch my children’s book writing career. I think it will go great.
Richard Scarry's Cars and Trucks and Things That... →
I don’t hate Richard Scarry, but this book has SO MANY WORDS IN IT. It just goes on forever and there is no point. Yes there are lots of different animals in wacky cars. Then the kid has to find this thing—a bug? maybe? on every page and it just takes FOREVER. My trick is that I very carefully try to turn 5 pages at once. It goes faster and somehow doesn’t affect the plot.
Ok so some things are blue. Like there are blue bouquets and blue boots. I get it. This is new and exciting news to very small children. But you still can’t illustrate a children’s book with free clip art. I would be so embarrassed to have my name attached to this.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone →
The beginning is a bad rip-off of a Roald Dahl book and it’s all downhill from there. I hear there are movies and stuff?
A book about how green vegetables are gross. Kale is my favorite food (and when I was a kid my mom made me eat it like 5 times a week) so I take it personally.
The Fat Cat Sat on the Mat →
This is a book about words that rhyme with “at.” And a witch. That’s all it fucking is. There is a cat and a mat and a rat and I don’t even remember what else. It’s all stupid. The most annoying book ever. (Yes it’s probably good for kids who are just learning how to read. They can read it silently if they want. I never want to read this shit out loud...
It's Not Easy Being Big →
The beginning and end of this book is ok. It’s basically about how there are good things and bad things about being big and small—most kids can probably relate to it. But somewhere in the middle, it totally just loses its purpose. There are balls, and they are on a wall, which just makes me think “balls to the wall” every time. It doesn’t relate to the main plot at...
Good Night Oregon →
This whole series is in comic sans. Why? I’ve read a few in this series—Israel, New York, California. The illustrations are hideous, which I guess matches the comic sans font. I am pretty sure they are made in a factory full of people copying and pasting sentences from Wikipedia about various places, making them seem more childish, and adding exclamation points.
B is for Beach: An Alphabet Book →
First of all, Dr. Carolan, you wrote a terrible children’s book, no one cares that you have a Ph.D. What’s it in? Pretty sure it’s not English Literature. This is another one where the meter is just awful. The rhymes are so awkward. How does this stuff get published? Also there are a bunch of cats and dogs in the illustrations, playing on the beach and surfing and stuff. And...
I Can Do It Too! →
The meter in this book is fucking awful. It’s painful to read out loud. Children’s book authors should at least be required to take high school English. Also no one cares that you can spill juice all over the table.
The Berenstain Bears' New Baby →
Plenty has been written about how the Berenstain Bears books are just kind of dumb. Mama and Papa Bear are basically a standard sitcom couple—Papa is an incompetent dumbass, Mama is a type-A nag. Brother and Sister Bear basically don’t get to have any fun ever, all they do is earn important lessons. This book annoys me more than the rest, though, because it is just about fucking...